I have been, once again, thinking about happiness. About wanting. About blood flowing. About the feeling of nerves wrecking, in a good way. Or in a bad way. There is a thick sheet of calm all around but its like snow. It’s dripping constantly. At the end, I am restless forever like the sea. I am in a huge rush to go nowhere. The waves reclaim me even when I am miles away from them. They fight with my feet. They entangle them. Caress them. And I feel rapture. Lost. Completely one. But the problem is that away from it, it all seems like a struggle. I have been doing everything that I am required to do. Even then there is this deep hoarse knock on the door constantly. As if something is still waiting for me. Dying for me. Only I can take it, hold it in my hands and give it life. Its heart will beat in my hands. It will live, only because of me. I have to find it. I still have to find it. Fucking hell. I have to find it.